


Messy Addicts and Messy Additions

by orphan_account



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Addiction, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Drug Use, Drugs, Implied/Referenced Suicide, My First Fanfic, Non-Linear Narrative, Self-Harm, Short, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, doesn't make sense, dribble, everyone is worried, short fic, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:21:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25120801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It takes three years for Tony to realize he doesn't want to die.//Trigger Warning: Drug addictions and not so self-harm//To my father, I know you're trying. Please keep trying for us.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Tony Stark and Steve Rogers, Tony stark and team
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Messy Addicts and Messy Additions

**Author's Note:**

> But once I have shown you, you can never leave it. ~ Roland Faunte

_Three Years Before The Death of Tony Stark_

Tony Stark didn’t wake up one day and go, “You know what? I’m falling down a rabbit hole and maybe I should stop before everything goes too far.” No, because unfortunately that doesn’t work out. He didn’t just wake up and stop the gradual decline in everything. Maybe some part of his brain sent warning signs he just ignored them. 

If someone walked up to you and said, “A bit from now your life is going to fall apart.” You’d look at them like they were crazy. You would shrug and walk it off. Tony didn’t do that. He scoffed and knocked back another fifth of whiskey. 

He spent his every waking moment living on the edge. A few drinks away from being drunk, a few parties away from an accidental overdose. Tony was a mess of addiction. He kept thinking, “I can always stop if it gets too bad.” 

It was already bad when he thought that. 

Pepper noticed how bad it really was when he called her up at 3 AM in the morning. 

“Pep?” He whispered softly into the phone. 

“Tony? What’s going on? Do you know how late it is?” She mumbled, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. 

“I uh, need a ride.” He mumbled, his speech slightly slurred and just enough for Pepper to pick up. “I don’t know where I am at.”

That woke her. The desperation and shame she heard on the other end of the phone. She stood up, stretching and yawning. “I’m coming Tony.” She said, hoping to reassure him. “Stay on the phone, okay?” She got dressed, and headed out. 

She found Tony three blocks from the payphone he called from. His wallet was missing, which wasn’t really a problem seeing as she was a click away from nuking his card. Tony smiled when he saw her. He avoided her eyes and got into the car.

“Thanks Pep.” He whispered, running a hand across his face. 

Pepper looked at him, and really looked at him. She took in the way his eyes sunk back slightly and the rivers of dark circles below them. She saw his cheek bones and his shoulder blades stuck up slightly. One would have guessed he was starving, but Pepper knew. 

“What is going on, Tony?” She whispered softly, horrified at what she saw. How did it take her so long to see just how horrible Tony was. “You look like death.”

Tony leaned back, smile gone, face blank. “They call me the Bringer of Death.” He looked out the window. 

This happened 4 more times in the span of two months before Pepper had enough. 

“I can’t keep doing this Tony!” She yelled across the living room. Tony stood there tall, his eyes shining at the prospect of a fight. 

They both were tall, they both had a flame in their heart and a battle in their eyes. Like snakes coiled up to go, tigers ready to pounce. Enough pent up rage and sadness to claw out at each other. 

“Then don’t!” He stepped forward, hands trembling. Tony felt itchy all over, his skin practically crawling away from him. 

“Do you even see yourself?” She whispered, stepping back. She pointed at him, her finger feeling like a gun. He shook his head. 

“I have it under control!” He snarled back, teeth clicking together hard and making his head hurt. 

He winced at the hurt that flashed across her eyes at his hostility. Tony opened his mouth, and then closed it. He glanced at the door, then back at her. “Pep, I love you.” He whispered, begged. 

“If you love me, you would _stop_ doing this to yourself.” She insisted, grabbing her purse.

“Please don’t leave, Pep.. Please.” He walked towards her, his eyes blurry from tears. 

Pepper looked back at him. “Get better Tony. Get. Better. For me.. For you. I can’t watch you kill yourself.” 

She left. Tony stood there, his whole body trembling with the overall feeling of loss. He found a stash of beautiful white powder that night and numbed all the no good bad feelings. He swam in his high and woke up with a kick to his side three days later. 

“Hey man.” Rhodey stood there looking down at Tony with sympathy in his eyes. 

Tony groaned, sitting up and holding his head. “Pep..” He licked his lips. “She called you?” 

Rhodey held out a cup of water for him. He took it and drank it all down greedily. “Yeah, Tones. We’re worried about you.” He pulled his friend up and helped him to the couch. “You got to know this isn’t good for you.” 

Tony looked around at his house, the broken glass in the corner, the razorblades that chopped up pills, empty plastic wrappers, vomit covered shirts and piss stained paints. 

“I know.” He whispered softly. 

Rhodey sat down in front of him. “We’re here for you.” He put his hand on his friends shoulder. 

“I know.” Tony sat back, defeated. 

“Is there… Tones look at me.” Rhodey moved to look at his friend. “Is there anything I can do?” 

Tony turned towards his best friend, and closed his eyes. “No. There isn’t anything Rhodey-bear.” 

Rhodey gave Tony that all knowing stare, the one that said, _bullshit. I know there’s something._ He let Tony have his way. It shouldn’t be that bad though. “I’ll hire someone to clean this mess up, okay?” He stood up. “Tones, you know you can always call me… try and stop.” He gave a worrying look at the leftover drugs on the table. 

Tony nodded, moving to stand up. “I’ll try.”

Tony looked down, and suddenly had a twisted thought. A thought so unnatural it felt almost perfect. If in three years, I am still alive and okay. I won’t kill myself. He nodded, steeling himself. “I first have to try.” He said softly. 

~o8o~

_Two Years Before The Death of Tony Stark_

  
  
  


New York happened. Tony met Steve Rogers. Someone he thought was dead, was gone. Someone his dad tried so damn hard to find. He fought alongside an actual God, fighting another god.

He barely even got close to comprehending that magic was a thing. He was almost a year clean. So close. 

Two weeks had passed when he flew a nuke into space. When the overwhelming darkness had swallowed his whole body, when he saw the giant ship getting closer and closer to him. It was terrifying and breathtaking and everything. 

He found his usual supplier. His hands shook as he reached for the small cellophane bags. “You sure bud? Thought you wanted out.” His dealer said, taking the cash. 

Tony swallowed down his guilt as he remembered the _terrifying hole in the sky going to unleash so many aliens- they can’t fight them all.._

Tony held the drugs for a week longer before he finally broke. Three long inhales through his nose and he was swimming and floating above all the others. 

Steve found him this time. Steve Rogers, his childhood hero. He found him in the bathroom on the tower, white powder all over his nose and sitting in a, now dry, bathtub. 

Steve didn’t know what to do. He knew people abused drugs but he never imagined it would’ve been Tony Stark. “Stark?” He said, lighting slapping the man on the cheeks. He waited for a response, thankful the man was still alive. 

“Captain America?” Tony whispered, eyes opening for a second. “Wow.” He murmured and closed his eyes. He coughed, moving to sit up and then falling forward. Steve caught him, frowning.

“What is wrong with you?” He said reaching over and turning on the cold water. The water splashed him across the face and Tony shouted, suddenly wide awake. 

Tony jumped over the side of the tub and not-so-gracefully landed in a heap of the floor. He gasped, rolling over to look at Steve. “How long?” He trailed off. 

“Long enough. Is this something you normally do?” He said, gesturing around the bathroom. Tony stayed silent. The silence giving Steve his answer. Tony moved to sit up, sighing softly. 

Steve nodded, standing up and helping Tony up. 

They spent the rest of the evening together, Steve helping Tony throughout the tower. It was some sort of silent agreement that Tony didn't deny or ask for help. Steve cooked for him, cleaned up a bit for him, watched a movie with him, and stayed by his side. By the end of the day Tony looked exhausted. Steve made him go to bed, and finally the day was over. 

They never spoke about what happened again. 

~o8o~

_One Year Before The Death Of Tony Stark_

Tony only had a few slip ups after that. Pepper and him were back together and things moved at a slow and steady pace. Sometimes Pepper would hold his head in the palm of her hands and have to whisper, “Tony it’s okay. You’re safe. I love you.” Over and over until he would stop shaking and heaving. 

She was proud of him. He was changing and finally putting forth the effort of getting better. He would hug her close at night and kiss her cheek and her forehead and remind her how much he loved her. She would hug him tight and do the same. 

He was still busy though. He went on missions and faced some sort of monster and would come back hands shaking and trembling as he itched for relief. These days Pepper would sit with him and hold his hands, or have his head lay in her lap as she played with his hair. These days were always so difficult. 

“I love you.” Pepper said softly in his shoulder, cuddling up to him. He whispered it back and they fell asleep. 

Tony wasn’t in bed when Pepper woke up and a frown was on her lips as she went to the bathroom to see if he was there. 

What she saw made her gasp. 

Tony stood there, his eyes going wide. On his thigh were three long lines that ran up towards his stomach. It was gushing blood. “Tony?” She whispered, rushing forwards and ripping the blade from his hand. She threw it against the opposite wall and then drug under the sink for first-aid. 

“P-Pep, I’m-” He began but stopped. She immediately began to clean away the blood, her eyes watering. 

That night, Tony was checked into his first ever psychiatric hospital. He spent three weeks and came back to the tower. Pepper hugged him tightly. “I am so proud of you.” She whispered in his head. He smiled and pecked her on the wrist. 

“You know I’m not better.” He said softly, looking down at her. 

“I know.” She cupped his cheek. 

“You’ll stay?” He asked his hand cupping hers. 

“I will.” 

He kissed her softly. They stay in each other's arms the whole day. 

~o8o~

_Three Months Till Tony Starks Death_

Siberia happened. Tony thought his recovery was finally finished. Or at least as finished as it really could get. He fought the cravings, he beat the hard parts. But then his best friend slammed a shield down into his chest and everything was reset to square one. 

The first few days Pepper hovered over him, worriedly biting her nails and then holding his hand. She kept up with him, scared at any moment she’d lose him. She didn’t want to believe how horrible it could really be. 

That every night Tony laid in bed, pretending to be asleep because he knew if he got up he would go and search for drugs, or pills, or needles, and toxic things, or worse. A gun. The heaviness sat at the bottom of his chest and threatened to overwhelm him. A wave of guilt cursing through his chest. 

_Did you know?_

Pepper demanded he go see a therapist, so he pretended to. He didn’t want to talk to one. He knew if he talked about it then it all became real. _Steve’s best friend killed my mom._ His heart broke. 

He wondered if this much stress would give him a heart attack. Most times, he would feel his left arm hurting and have to call out for Jar- _No Jarvis is dead-_ Friday and see if he was okay. Sometimes he wished it was a heart attack, so he wouldn’t have to do it himself. 

Tony was so close to relapsing one night. He had the blade, he had the means. All he had to do was press down and rip it across his arm. He closed his eyes and felt the relief he could get from it. 

Instead, he built Rhodey’s legs. He designed them perfectly. It was as if nothing bad happened. Rhodey was ecstatic. The pure joy in his eyes as he realized there was a chance for him to walk again, to use the suit again, to serve his country again. Tony smiled and it was almost enough to stop him from doing what he did next. 

~o8o~

_Two Weeks Till Tony Starks Death_

The kids name was Peter Parker. Tony had to give the little shit some credit. He was definitely skilled in the knowledge department. The boy had built and made his own web shooters. And while his suit was a onesie it was incredible the spiderling could be capable of so much. He stopped a car in that thing. 

Tony called the kid up every once in a while. He wanted to see how he was doing, how he was going to get through the next small robbery. 

“Careful.” Tony warned whenever Peter would get carried away with something. Tony gave him a suit, and no matter what the kid did to it Tony could always see if the kid got hurt. Where the kid got punched. He needed to know. 

Pepper was happy Tony seemed to be doing better again. He found something to look forward to and that was Peter Parker. She’d listen to him boast like it was his own kid. “Pepper, he saved this old woman today and then got happy cause he got a free churro.” He would nestle in beside her on the couch. 

Pepper would smile warmly and listen to him complain and fret and boast and shine about his new kid. 

~o8o~

_One Day Before Tony Starks Death_

“Where is he?” Tony yelled loudly rushing into the hospital. A nurse stopped Tony, recognizing him. 

  
“Sir, you’re going to have to wait.” She said gently, stirring him towards a lobby. 

“No, you get me in that damn room or so help me I’ll buy this hospi- May?” He stopped spotting her sitting in the lobby with her head between his hands. 

May looked up, eyes red from crying. “I don’t know what happened.” She said, breaking down and crying. Tony ran forward and sat down beside her, pulling her into a hug and patting her back. 

“He just.. Wasn’t breathing Tony, god he wasn’t breathing.” She sobbed loudly, clinging to him desperately. 

Tony sucked in a fearful breath, holding tightly onto her. He sucked up his tears and waited for any news before he would let anyone see him cry. 

Peter Park was shot between the ribs. The bullet lodged in his rib and thankfully didn’t go any further. Tony thanked god or whoever was listening, maybe Thor, that he was okay. He was superhuman, he could be okay. The rib shattered when the bullet hit but thankfully he was able to be brought back. 

Tony rushed into the room to see Peter laid up on the bed. 

“Mr.Stark.” He gasped, sitting up a little straighter. “Please, don’t take the suite.” He whined, already beginning to cry. 

“No, no, no Peter no.” Tony said sitting beside him. May rushed in after Tony and sat beside him. 

“Thank god.” She whispered, hugging him gently. “Thank goodness.. Don’t ever do that to me again.” She kissed his hair line over and over. Peter leaned into her touch, sighing softly with her. 

“Mhm, sorry.” He mumbled, looking at the both of them. “Didn’t know he had a gun.” 

May gasp, covering her mouth and looking at him. “Peter, you got to be careful. You can’t just charge in!” 

Tony stared after him, agreeing. “You can’t put your life on the line. Risking yourself isn’t worth it.” 

Peter frowned, but nodded. “I’ll be more careful.”

Later that night, when Tony got home. His whole body vibrated with ghost pains. He could’ve lost the kid that night. He would’ve never seen the kid smile, or laugh, or save anyone ever again. He leaned against the counter, glancing down at his wrist. 

He suddenly froze, looking at the clock. It’s been three years since that one day. The day Pepper left and the day Rhodey said he had to start trying. He glanced back at the kitchen and made his decision. 

He is going to live. 

He has to. 

He wants to kiss Pepper goodmorning and goodnight. He wants to see his kid kick ass and make silly pop-culture jokes, he wants to invent things and save lives, he wants to smile and see the world move and change. He wants so much, so so much. He wants to walk out into the sunshine and _breathe_. He wants so damn much. He wants. He wants. He wants. 

He wants to live.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, my god if you're still in charge,  
> I think I'd like to me you. ~Roland Faunte


End file.
